How to Support Others While Facing Mental Health Struggles
Welcome to Sunburnt Souls. I’m Dave Quak, and on this show, we explore life, faith, and mental well-being. Many of our episodes focus on supporting those with mental illness or mental health challenges. Today, we’re discussing how someone with mental health struggles can also be a source of support for their family.
00:00:25:15 - 00:00:52:09
Dave Quak
Having mental health challenges doesn’t mean you can’t contribute to your family. Today, we’re exploring how to support others while managing your own mental health. Jess Quak, my wife, welcome to the show! I know you’re picturing me in a Bonds t-shirt and see-through undies, which is a bit inappropriate for a Christian show, but thanks for being here.
00:00:52:11 - 00:01:18:24
Dave Quak
We’ve spent a lot of time on this show discussing how to support those with mental health challenges, which is vital and will continue to be a focus. Today, however, we’re exploring what it’s like for someone with mental illness to support their family, fostering growth and bringing light and joy. Relationships are two-way streets. Thanks for joining me, Jess.
00:01:18:24 - 00:01:39:14
Jess Quak
Thanks for having me, Dave.
00:01:39:14 - 00:02:05:09
Dave Quak
It’s key to discuss mental health in this way. It’s not only beneficial for someone struggling to look beyond themselves but also to challenge the false narrative that a diagnosis means everyone must adjust to work around you. Instead, it’s about collaboration: “Here are my struggles, here’s how you can help me, and how can I help you in return?”
00:02:05:14 - 00:02:33:18
Dave Quak
As a married couple, if our relationship wasn’t reciprocal—even if you support me more than I support you—it wouldn’t work. If I didn’t bring something to our marriage, our family, we’d be in trouble.
Jess Quak
It would feel more like a parenting relationship. Even in parenting, we teach our children to be independent and look beyond themselves.
00:02:33:20 - 00:03:02:17
Dave Quak
Faith plays a big role here. Jesus emphasizes love, which involves caring for yourself but also laying down your life for others. It’s an outward focus, ensuring we treat ourselves as God intends while serving others.
00:03:02:18 - 00:03:32:24
Dave Quak
Let’s explore five areas where someone with mental health challenges can support their family. I’ll ask what you need from me in each area, and I’ll share what I can bring. We’ll start with spiritual leadership, as our faith in Jesus is central to our lives, both together and individually. As your husband, who also has mental health challenges, what do you need from me in terms of spiritual leadership?
00:03:32:24 - 00:04:38:19
Jess Quak
This is an important question. We both love God deeply, but our personalities and ways of relating to Him differ. We might read the same Bible passage and draw different insights, not opposing, just distinct. A common misconception about spiritual leadership is that one person must do it for the other, which can hinder both our growth. Instead, we each take responsibility for our own spiritual walk and spur each other on, as the Bible encourages.
00:04:38:20 - 00:05:32:10
Jess Quak
For me, spiritual leadership from you means living out your faith authentically. Our family witnesses this and is encouraged by it. Regular check-ins are also key—asking, “How’s your faith going? What’s on your heart? What’s God showing you lately?” That’s leadership. For newer Christians, it might involve more accountability, like ensuring time for Bible reading or prayer. For us, it’s more about supporting each other’s rhythms, like setting aside a day to spend with God and helping each other stick to it.
00:05:32:11 - 00:06:43:24
Dave Quak
Exactly. Everyone can bring something to the table, whether it’s a verse or a simple insight, without needing to be a theologian. Even with my bipolar disorder, which brings extreme highs and lows, I can still lead. In high moments, I might inspire like Paul, urging us to “storm the gates of hell.” In low moments, it’s more like Jeremiah’s lamentations, still leaning into God but differently. It’s about showing up, regardless of where you’re at, and contributing what you can.
00:06:44:01 - 00:07:56:22
Jess Quak
Leadership, especially spiritual leadership, isn’t about knowing more or telling others what to do. Jesus modeled leadership by washing His disciples’ feet—serving and loving passionately with prayer and wisdom. That’s what we need from each other.
00:07:56:23 - 00:08:49:24
Dave Quak
Take the example of the man called Legion, freed from demons. Jesus didn’t require him to reach a certain level of sanctification before using him. He simply told him to share his story. Similarly, anyone, regardless of mental health challenges, can offer spiritual leadership in their family or community right now.
00:08:50:00 - 00:09:35:14
Dave Quak
Next, let’s talk about helping around the home. I admit I’ve sometimes brought chaos, angst, or darkness into our family life. I’m working on those negatives, but as a core family member, what do you need from me to support our household?
00:09:35:16 - 00:10:42:03
Jess Quak
You’re a vital part of the family, and ideally, everyone contributes what they’re capable of. I don’t ask more of our children or anyone at church than they can give. The same applies at home. There are times when you have more capacity, like on our recent family holiday when you took on the organizational tasks I dislike. You brought your strengths to the table, which isn’t just about mental health—it’s about every family identifying each member’s strengths and weaknesses to work together effectively.
00:10:42:04 - 00:12:48:16
Jess Quak
It’s about communication and managing expectations. We might all want an Instagram-perfect home, but reality often means prioritizing. Sometimes our house is a mess, and that’s bothered us at different times in our marriage. But we’ve learned to recognize when it’s not the priority, as long as it’s hygienic and livable. Communicating about what each person can contribute, based on their current capacity, keeps our family’s priorities in focus.
00:12:48:18 - 00:13:47:22
Dave Quak
Speaking of Instagram, we just returned from Bali, where we visited Diamond Beach, one of the most photographed places online. Hundreds of people were posing for perfect shots, but a thunderstorm scattered them before they even enjoyed the beach. It was a reminder of misplaced priorities. God seemed to have our back there!
00:13:47:24 - 00:14:12:07
Dave Quak
If you need help with mental and spiritual well-being, check out our course, Loving Life with Faith and Mental Health. It’s $28 for 28 days, and you can find details on our website, linked below. Now, back to our conversation.
00:14:12:09 - 00:15:28:02
Jess Quak
That Bali experience highlighted our family’s different priorities. We rarely take photos or focus on social media, which allowed us to enjoy the moment together.
Dave Quak
I worked hard to contribute to that holiday, especially knowing you were stressed beforehand. Even with my mental health challenges, I could bring something positive by focusing on what I could do in the moment. Every family, regardless of structure—whether two working parents, single parents, or blended families—needs to communicate about who can contribute what to maintain harmony.
00:15:28:03 - 00:16:26:08
Dave Quak
Chaos is normal in most families, even without mental illness. My challenges add complexity, but I can still bring good to our family, even in my struggles.
00:16:26:10 - 00:17:42:09
Dave Quak
Let’s move to financial management, an area where my bipolar disorder can lead to poor decisions during manic episodes. Yet, when I’m stable, I oversee our finances effectively. God’s power is made perfect in our weaknesses, as Paul says. Even with OCD, depression, or other challenges, you can steward finances well with God’s guidance. Jess, what do you need from me financially?
00:17:42:11 - 00:19:36:22
Jess Quak
Transparency is key. It’s our money, not yours or mine, regardless of who earns more. Big decisions must be made together, prayerfully, and with time. Your bipolar doesn’t typically pose a bankruptcy risk, but we still need to pause and reflect on major purchases. For example, giving a decision a week or a month helps avoid impulsive choices driven by confirmation bias. Sticking to a budget aligned with our values is something anyone can do, regardless of mental health challenges.
00:19:36:23 - 00:21:54:17
Dave Quak
Last night, I almost bought scuba gear on impulse after our diving experience in Bali, but I stepped back and canceled. That adrenaline-driven urge faded within an hour. It’s about learning from mistakes and habits, whether related to mental health or not. Financial stewardship means recognizing that our money belongs to God, and we’re accountable for it. Every dollar spent could be a missed opportunity to help others, like sponsoring someone in need.
00:21:54:18 - 00:22:45:21
Dave Quak
Next, practical help. The Holy Spirit is called the Helper, and relationships thrive when we serve each other. What practical support do you need from me?
00:22:46:02 - 00:24:03:09
Jess Quak
Routine helps us. You’re the “bin guy” and handle car maintenance, which are set responsibilities. These tasks stay consistent, regardless of your mental state, and they ease the household load. I handle most family dinners, especially when we have guests, as cooking adds pressure for me. Dividing tasks based on our strengths reduces stress and keeps things running smoothly.
00:24:03:10 - 00:26:00:16
Dave Quak
Even in my darkest moments, like when I was deeply depressed, I could still take out the bin. Those small tasks kept me connected to the family and moving forward. They’re not just helpful to others—they’re lifelines for us. Taking the bin out takes 45 seconds, yet we complain about it all week! Small actions break the cycle of self-centeredness that mental health struggles can foster, reminding us the world doesn’t revolve around us.
00:26:00:18 - 00:27:18:19
Jess Quak
Exactly. Mental health challenges can trap you in self-focus, amplifying how you feel and what others should do for you. Small tasks, like taking out the bin, pull you out of that spiral, offering fresh air or a moment under the stars. They’re not just discipline—they’re a relief, showing you can be a solution for someone else, even in small ways.
00:27:18:23 - 00:28:50:04
Dave Quak
The focus on mental well-being is great, but it can go too far when people define themselves by their diagnosis and shirk responsibility. Finding balance is key. Even in tough times, like when I cleaned the kitchen cupboards slowly during a depressive episode, those tangible tasks gave me purpose and helped the family.
00:28:50:04 - 00:29:22:02
Dave Quak
Finally, the greatest gift someone with mental health challenges can bring to any relationship is a commitment to growth. Even if I’m struggling today, I can aim to be a little better tomorrow. Progress might be slow, but over a year, it can be significant. Jess, what do you need from me in terms of growth?
00:29:22:04 - 00:31:43:03
Jess Quak
You said it well. We’re all growing, whether biologically, emotionally, or spiritually. Every choice shapes us. Acknowledging that we have the power to grow for the better, with God’s help, is crucial. Even standing still or not regressing can be progress. It’s about taking responsibility for where you’re at and moving in a positive direction, which benefits those you love. This applies to everyone, not just those with mental health challenges. I need you to stay committed to growth—to being kinder, more like Jesus, and facing challenges with humility, knowing the Holy Spirit is our Helper.
00:31:43:05 - 00:32:15:23
Dave Quak
Thanks, Jess. It’s a pleasure having you here. As a pastor for over 20 years, a mentor, and someone married to me with my mental health challenges, you bring so much wisdom. I honor and thank you for joining Sunburnt Souls.
00:32:16:00 - 00:33:29:13
Jess Quak
Lord, thank You for Dave’s openness and growth. For everyone listening, meet them where they are, open their hearts to Your love, and their eyes to the life You intend. Help us walk with You daily, with space for growth, hope, and faith. Bless us to see opportunities to bring hope, life, and light, no matter our challenges. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
00:33:29:15 - 00:33:53:01
Dave Quak
Amen. Thanks for tuning into Sunburnt Souls. Subscribing on Spotify, Apple, or other podcast platforms helps us grow. We’re grateful for your financial support, prayers, and encouraging messages. Have a brilliant week!
