Postpartum Psychosis & Fear in the Mania: Lydia’s Story of Faith in Chaos
Welcome to Sunburnt Souls. On this show, we explore life, faith, and mental well-being. This week is particularly interesting because my friend Lydia joins us to discuss her experience with postpartum psychosis and growing up with a parent who has schizoaffective disorder. She’s seven months into her own mental health journey and shares valuable insights on what to do—and what not to do—when managing psychosis while caring for a newborn baby.
00:00:25:23 - 00:00:49:19
Dave Quak
Thanks for tuning into Sunburnt Souls. I pray that today’s episode is a blessing to your soul. Alright, Lydia Farbach—here in Australia, we say “Farback,” but it’s actually pronounced “Farbach”! We Australians are often too lazy to pronounce someone’s name correctly. For me, as a Quak, my teachers would say “Quark” or something to make it sound better.
00:00:49:21 - 00:00:53:05
Dave Quak
So, Lydia Farbach, where does that name come from?
00:00:53:07 - 00:01:05:17
Lydia Farbach
It’s actually German. It’s my husband’s last name, so I didn’t have to grow up with it. But yes, it’s mispronounced and misspelled pretty much 100% of the time.
00:01:05:19 - 00:01:06:07
Dave Quak
Lydia Farbach
“Bach.”
00:01:06:20 - 00:01:15:10
Dave Quak
It becomes quite a funny name because it’s like, “Oh, Lydia is far back!” Like, she’s all the way over there. Did people tease you about it growing up?
00:01:15:12 - 00:01:21:04
Lydia Farbach
Not so much to me, but my husband got it growing up, and I know our son will probably get it now.
00:01:21:06 - 00:01:22:15
Dave Quak
Yeah, what’s his name?
00:01:22:17 - 00:01:24:07
Lydia Farbach
His name’s Arthur.
00:01:24:09 - 00:01:29:16
Dave Quak
Arthur Farbach. Arthur’s a cool name. All the old names are making a resurgence, aren’t they?
00:01:29:18 - 00:01:41:22
Lydia Farbach
Yeah, we thought we were so unique, but we’ve already met two other little boys named Arthur in the last few months. It’s a hard last name to pair, though—you can’t go with Jack Farbach or something like that.
00:01:41:22 - 00:02:00:13
Dave Quak
You had to think it through. It’s nice when parents consider names carefully. As a child who got picked on, I wish my parents had thought it through a bit more—they made terrible name choices! So, Lydia, we know each other through the mental health space and have both been open about our experiences. I appreciate you coming on to share your story. Let’s start at the beginning, little Lydia. What was your first experience with mental health or mental illness?
00:02:00:18 - 00:02:42:02
Lydia Farbach
Mental health has always been in the background of my life. From a young age, my granddad had severe PTSD from being a Vietnam veteran, so that was present two generations back. Then, when I was about 11 or 12, my mum was sectioned to a mental health ward during a psychotic break. That was very confronting at that age. There were limited resources or help available for her, my brother, or me. We would visit her in the mental hospital and see other patients in states of psychosis or mania—being violent, rude, or explicit—and no one intervened.
00:02:42:02 - 00:03:16:14
Lydia Farbach
It was just accepted, with no support like counseling for us as children. There was no buffer between kids and a parent with a mental illness.
00:03:16:14 - 00:03:33:12
Dave Quak
Was your mum diagnosed with anything at that point?
00:03:33:14 - 00:03:52:13
Lydia Farbach
Yes, she was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, which is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. She also has undiagnosed dissociative identity disorder, which used to be called multiple personality disorder.
00:03:52:15 - 00:03:53:11
Dave Quak
Okay.
00:03:53:13 - 00:03:53:23
Lydia Farbach
Yeah.
00:03:53:23 - 00:03:58:09
Dave Quak
That’s intense. So, you’re 12. How old was your brother at that time?
00:03:58:11 - 00:04:01:12
Lydia Farbach
He was a year younger, so about 10 or 11.
00:04:01:14 - 00:04:06:15
Dave Quak
What was it like seeing your mum go through a psychotic episode?
00:04:06:17 - 00:04:38:08
Lydia Farbach
We were in survival mode, to be honest. We were homeschooling at the time, so my brother and I were often home alone while my dad was at work and my mum was in the hospital. We were concerned about her, but there was always this lingering fear afterward because it happened multiple times—she’d come out, relapse, and go back in until they figured out her medications.
00:04:38:10 - 00:04:59:23
Lydia Farbach
Having a parent with a mental illness is a complicated relationship. There was always this sense of, “Will she go back in? What will the future look like?” She also stopped driving when I was 13, which was very isolating. It felt like no one else’s family was like this.
00:05:00:00 - 00:05:16:04
Dave Quak
Especially back then. When she was home and not sectioned, was her behavior relatively stable, or was it still up and down?
00:05:16:06 - 00:05:36:23
Lydia Farbach
It was still very up and down. The main impact was from the strong medications. For about four or five years, she mostly just sat there, interacting with us but with very limited capacity.
00:05:37:00 - 00:06:01:15
Lydia Farbach
That was my impression of mental health, and honestly, my biggest fear was experiencing something similar and having my capacity reduced like that. That made what happened later even more confronting.
00:06:01:17 - 00:06:11:11
Dave Quak
You were afraid of developing a mental illness. So, guess what happened later?
00:06:11:13 - 00:06:36:03
Lydia Farbach
About seven months ago, I gave birth to my son after a mostly normal pregnancy with some anxiety. I’ve always had anxiety but suppressed or normalized it because, compared to my mum’s mental health, it seemed minor. So, I didn’t address it.
00:06:36:03 - 00:07:01:06
Lydia Farbach
I had a very long labor—about 40 hours—without sleep or food. I was in fight-or-flight mode, very scared. Everything was healthy, and I stayed in the hospital for a couple of days. Looking back, there were signs things were going awry, but I dismissed them as just my personality or normal differences.
00:07:01:08 - 00:07:25:23
Lydia Farbach
The first day after having him, I was walking around a lot, starting to stress, and not resting as I should have after a 40-hour labor. I was pacing and very stressed about breastfeeding, something I hadn’t anticipated. People rarely talk about how trying to breastfeed, especially when it’s not working, can impact mental health.
00:07:26:00 - 00:07:53:14
Lydia Farbach
It’s such a vulnerable time for women and families. I never realized how many emotions it could bring up. I was in the hospital for a few days with no major red flags, so we went home. I was excited for the “baby bubble” everyone talks about, but that wasn’t my reality.
00:07:53:14 - 00:08:20:09
Lydia Farbach
About five days after coming home, I was sleeping less—maybe one hour a night—and barely eating, though I was drinking a lot of water because I was desperate to breastfeed my son. I started getting strange ideas in fibelieved that my husband didn’t love our son or want him, so I was always looking after him, not letting my husband help, and pushing him away. I started speaking quickly and being overly affectionate with people I normally wouldn’t be.
00:08:40:12 - 00:09:07:06
Lydia Farbach
I was hyper-focused on whether Arthur was okay, constantly asking my husband, “Is he okay? Is he dying? Should we take him to the hospital?” even though he was fine. I became exhausted and anxious, and my midwife sent us to the emergency room when she saw me in a low state, almost passing out.
00:09:07:08 - 00:09:37:11
Lydia Farbach
After five hours of waiting in the emergency room without seeing anyone, my brain swung back to a high. I thought, “I’m fine, let’s go home,” which was the wrong choice. We should have seen someone. People know me as capable and self-aware, so they trusted my judgment to go home.
00:09:37:11 - 00:10:01:18
Lydia Farbach
Another thing was that, in my mind, my body and my son’s body were merging—I couldn’t differentiate between us. When I felt something, I thought he was feeling it, which wasn’t good.
00:10:01:20 - 00:10:23:13
Lydia Farbach
We went home without seeing anyone, and more friends came to help. That night, another friend visited, and while talking about the birth, I entered a state where I believed I was dying. It felt like my brain was being ripped apart. I was screaming, “I’m dying! Call an ambulance!” It was the most terrifying moment of my life.
00:10:23:13 - 00:10:44:18
Lydia Farbach
I never realized that during psychosis, you believe it’s real—your body reacts as if it is. I thought I was dying because I was dehydrated from breastfeeding, blaming myself. I drank about five or six liters of water in ten minutes, which is incredibly dangerous.
00:10:44:18 - 00:11:09:10
Lydia Farbach
I was taken by ambulance to the mental health section of Logan Hospital. Confronting the thought that I might die and never see my newborn son again was awful, but it challenged my faith—what do I really believe?
00:11:09:12 - 00:11:29:08
Lydia Farbach
In that moment, I was crying out to God, reciting Psalm 23 and any Bible verses I could remember, pleading, “God, save my life. Don’t let me never see my son again.”
00:11:29:10 - 00:11:54:23
Dave Quak
Even in psychosis, you were crying out to God?
00:11:54:23 - 00:12:23:03
Lydia Farbach
Yes, when I had nothing else to turn to. In the ambulance, they asked if I wanted music, so I had Hillsong playing while thinking I was dying. I shouldn’t laugh, but sometimes your brain doesn’t know how to cope.
00:12:23:09 - 00:12:30:03
Lydia Farbach
It was also our fourth wedding anniversary that night—great timing. But in that moment, I was pleading, “God, I need you.” After they gave me medication, I was screaming, “I’m alive! I’m not going to die!” I was so relieved.
00:12:30:05 - 00:12:33:02
Dave Quak
Wow.
00:12:33:04 - 00:13:03:17
Lydia Farbach
That relief was short-lived, though, as another wave of psychosis and mania came. Dealing with the fallout and medication is complicated. Once you have a psychotic episode, it’s a long journey afterward.
00:13:03:19 - 00:13:19:05
Dave Quak
Are psychosis and mania one event or two separate events?
00:13:19:05 - 00:13:48:18
Lydia Farbach
They believe the mania led to the psychotic episode, but they’re very connected. In the days before, I was both anxious about my son—worrying if he was dying—and crying because I was so happy to be a mother. I switched between those extremes quickly, which is common in postpartum mania.
00:13:48:18 - 00:14:10:14
Dave Quak
So much of what you’ve said could be its own episode. The anxiety around breastfeeding is already intense because your child relies on you. I remember when Jess struggled with breastfeeding our first son—the lactation consultants were invasive, with no privacy. That, plus descending into psychosis where you’re convinced something’s happening that isn’t, combined with fatigue and conflict with your husband, must have been a mess.
00:14:10:16 - 00:14:33:09
Lydia Farbach
Yes, it felt like everything in my life was falling apart at once. In the moment, I was trying to process it, but afterward, it’s different. In that moment, I was pleading, “God, I need you now.”
00:14:33:11 - 00:14:47:07
Lydia Farbach
Even when I thought I was dying, I was reciting Bible verses because I needed God to save me. In the ambulance, with Hillsong playing, I was still crying out.
00:14:47:09 - 00:14:50:17
Dave Quak
So, even in psychosis, you were connected to God.
00:14:50:19 - 00:15:17:18
Lydia Farbach
Yes, when I felt I had nothing else. It was desperate, but I clung to faith.
00:15:17:18 - 00:15:45:17
Lydia Farbach
The medication hit, and I was so excited to be alive, but the next wave of mania came. It’s a complicated journey post-psychosis.
00:15:45:17 - 00:16:15:01
Dave Quak
When you say mania, is it like my bipolar mania—elevated, grandiose thoughts about your abilities?
00:16:15:03 - 00:16:33:00
Lydia Farbach
Yes, exactly. I was anxious about my son but also overwhelmed with joy about being a mother, switching between those extremes rapidly.
00:16:33:03 - 00:16:46:14
Dave Quak
What about the thoughts of becoming a mum?
00:16:46:16 - 00:17:08:02
Lydia Farbach
That’s a big question. I think it was playing out subconsciously in ways I’m still unpacking in therapy—why did this happen, and what does it mean?
00:17:08:04 - 00:17:15:04
Lydia Farbach
In the timeline of events, I was in the hospital for about 24 hours. They sent me home with medications, and people visited daily to monitor me. Things were improving, but they recommended I go to a mother-baby unit.
00:17:15:06 - 00:17:21:09
Dave Quak
What was that like?
00:17:21:11 - 00:18:10:04
Lydia Farbach
It was a mental health facility for mums with babies, called Katherine’s House in Brisbane. It was a huge blessing to get in—there are only about 8 or 10 beds. I could get mental health help while staying with my son, which was crucial. Many women go to general mental health hospitals and are separated from their babies, which can worsen their mental health.
00:18:10:04 - 00:18:29:09
Lydia Farbach
The medications meant I couldn’t breastfeed anymore, which was another hard aspect.
00:18:29:11 - 00:18:51:12
Dave Quak
We’re going to keep chatting with Lydia, but if you need help with faith and mental well-being, check out our course, Loving Life with Faith and Mental Health. It’s $28 for 28 days, and people have found it helpful. It also supports the Sunburnt Souls ministry. Log on to our website and click “Courses” to find it.
00:18:51:12 - 00:19:16:05
Dave Quak
Let’s get back to Lydia’s story. Having a baby under usual circumstances is already intense, but this is more unusual. What was it like for your husband? What kind of guy is he? Was he ready to run away, or how did he handle it?
00:19:16:05 - 00:19:45:05
Lydia Farbach
He’s the most amazing man and was great through it all, but it took a toll on him emotionally and mentally. His biggest worry was, “Will my wife ever be stable again?” He’s always seen me as capable, so seeing me like that was hard. Plus, he was adjusting to being a dad.
00:19:45:05 - 00:20:14:04
Lydia Farbach
The hard thing with a newborn is that the baby relies on the mum to stabilize their emotions and feed them. I was still trying to breastfeed, but the psychosis and medications stopped that.
00:20:14:04 - 00:20:27:12
Dave Quak
Was that antipsychotic medication you were sent home with?
00:20:27:14 - 00:20:32:10
Lydia Farbach
Yes, antipsychotics. I think it was olanzapine initially, for about a week while they visited us at home. I have almost no memory of that week—maybe due to the medication or the mental health issue.
00:20:32:12 - 00:20:36:09
Dave Quak
That’s intense.
00:20:36:13 - 00:21:00:08
Lydia Farbach
I went to Katherine’s House, and it was a blessing to stay with my son while getting help.
00:21:00:10 - 00:21:25:15
Dave Quak
You mentioned earlier that at 12, you didn’t know where to get help, which was tough at that age. Your mum was diagnosed when you were navigating puberty, and for years, she was less present due to medication. Is that why you’re now advocating for mental health—to prevent others from feeling lost, like finding places like Katherine’s House?
00:21:25:17 - 00:21:27:04
Lydia Farbach
Exactly.
00:21:27:06 - 00:21:50:23
Lydia Farbach
I’ve always wanted to advocate for better mental health support and understanding, especially for vulnerable people. I’m a qualified counselor, motivated by my mum’s situation. Experiencing it myself now has given me a new perspective.
00:21:51:00 - 00:22:08:16
Dave Quak
Is that why you’re speaking out—so others know about resources like Katherine’s House?
00:22:08:18 - 00:22:40:16
Lydia Farbach
Yes, becoming a mum is transformative, but it can expose underlying vulnerabilities if you lack support. Other women in my family have had postpartum psychosis, which increased my risk, but I didn’t prepare because I didn’t know I needed to.
00:22:40:16 - 00:23:09:13
Lydia Farbach
I thought everything would be fine, that I was as capable as anyone else.
00:23:09:13 - 00:23:18:04
Dave Quak
You can’t know until you’re in it.
00:23:18:06 - 00:23:42:21
Lydia Farbach
Exactly. If people have family members with mental illness, I’d recommend preparing to safeguard themselves—knowing your family history and potential triggers.
00:23:42:21 - 00:23:51:11
Dave Quak
You mentioned guilt because you’re seen as capable. When we met, people immediately recognized your competence. Was there guilt in feeling capable but not being able to act that way?
00:23:51:13 - 00:24:16:00
Lydia Farbach
Yes, there’s been a lot of guilt and shame. There’s already “mum guilt” in general, but having a mental health issue amplifies it. Your identity changes so much as a mother, and then you have this mental health challenge. Some days, I still feel like I’m dying, though less intensely, and I have to work through that while caring for a baby.
00:24:16:02 - 00:24:46:03
Lydia Farbach
I’ve been Arthur’s primary caregiver the whole time, which is a lot to cope with. My parents’ issues, especially my mum’s, meant they couldn’t support me, which has impacted our relationship.
00:24:46:05 - 00:25:09:00
Dave Quak
Do they know you feel that way?
00:25:09:00 - 00:25:35:06
Lydia Farbach
Yes, I’ve been open with them. We still have a good relationship, but it’s hard to adjust expectations. As a teenager, I had to lower my expectations of my mum as a parent, and now as a grandparent to my son and a support to me.
00:25:35:08 - 00:25:40:06
Dave Quak
With Arthur only seven months old, you’re still battling psychosis. Can you sense it coming?
00:25:40:08 - 00:26:08:20
Lydia Farbach
Some days, it’s hard to differentiate between the mental health issues and medication side effects. Derealization—a sense that reality isn’t quite real—is strong for me and other women with postpartum psychosis. It feels like you’re in a dream or game, and your brain can’t connect to external reality.
00:26:08:22 - 00:26:20:11
Dave Quak
That sounds horrifying, especially if it persists. You mentioned earlier fearing your husband didn’t love Arthur, so you held him close. Now he’s pushing Arthur in the pram at the park so you can do this interview. What’s changed in seven months?
00:26:20:13 - 00:26:46:13
Lydia Farbach
Working through my anxiety has helped, especially trusting others with Arthur and communicating with my husband. He always loved Arthur but found it hard becoming a parent while I was in a mental health crisis. We’ve worked on our marriage, and I feel blessed—we haven’t fought, and it’s made us stronger.
00:26:46:15 - 00:26:58:06
Dave Quak
You attribute that to God?
00:26:58:08 - 00:27:20:22
Lydia Farbach
Yes, it doesn’t seem possible without Him. Even in psychosis, I felt God was close, hovering, saying, “Lydia, I’m here for you.”
00:27:20:22 - 00:27:24:08
Lydia Farbach
It’s been mixed. Antipsychotic medication can squash your spirituality, making it hard to connect with God. I’ve had moments of, “God, where are you?” but as I heal, I see Him guiding me to the next step, one hour or day at a time.
00:27:24:10 - 00:28:02:05
Dave Quak
How do you know you’re not in psychosis now, especially when talking about God?
00:28:02:07 - 00:28:22:00
Lydia Farbach
That’s a great question. I’ve wrestled with the fear of it happening again, as it felt so sudden the first time. I second-guess myself in social situations—am I normal? Did I say something strange? You have to rebuild trust in your own mind by staying calm and not being overly anxious.
00:28:22:02 - 00:28:26:01
Lydia Farbach
Anxiety can drive me back to that place. I’ve struggled with health anxiety, and feeling like I was dying didn’t help.
00:28:26:02 - 00:28:43:11
Dave Quak
You don’t want people to think it’s all better after seven months.
00:28:43:13 - 00:29:13:19
Lydia Farbach
No, it’s not better. Some days are still really hard, and the likelihood of it happening again is higher now.
00:29:13:21 - 00:29:41:05
Dave Quak
We watch for it in our family with bipolar. The more manias you have without intervention, the more frequent they become. Mine went unaddressed for years, so they’re intense now. It’s good you’re vigilant.
00:29:41:07 - 00:29:53:11
Dave Quak
If a friend from church saw you in psychosis but you didn’t recognize it and said, “Lydia, you’re not thinking straight,” how could they present that so you’d listen? I’m asking for you and for others helping loved ones.
00:29:53:13 - 00:30:16:16
Lydia Farbach
It’s tough. In my pre-psychosis mania, my midwife and husband tried to say things, but I found it hard to receive. Everyone’s different, but for severe psychosis like mine or my mum’s, hospitalization and medication were necessary. For less intense cases, check in on how they’re doing and what resources they have—a trusted doctor, psychologist, or psychiatrist.
00:30:16:16 - 00:30:48:24
Lydia Farbach
Encourage them to connect with those resources. I was willing to go to the hospital, but after waiting so long, I thought, “Maybe I’m fine.” I desperately wanted to be a “normal” mother, but I’ve had to let go of that idea after connecting with other mothers who’ve faced intense mental health struggles.
00:30:49:02 - 00:31:13:20
Lydia Farbach
The church could do more to support this space.
00:31:13:20 - 00:31:31:21
Dave Quak
I agree. As a pastor, I think churches have a long way to go. Putting on my dad hat, my teenage daughter might have a child in ten years. What can we do to support daughters, sisters, or friends about to have a child, especially with a susceptibility to mental illness?
00:31:31:23 - 00:31:44:02
Lydia Farbach
It’s tricky because society promotes the “baby bubble” where people want to be left alone. Some prefer that, but we didn’t know what we wanted as first-time parents. If there’s a susceptibility to mental health struggles, having support to manage sleeplessness is key, as it’s a primary trigger for postpartum psychosis.
00:31:44:04 - 00:32:06:23
Lydia Farbach
My mum’s psychosis was triggered by three days without sleep. You need extended family or friends to help you rest in those early phases. Know your family history—postpartum depression, anxiety, bipolar, or schizophrenia increase risk. Examine your own anxieties or triggers, like birth or breastfeeding, which can be intense.
00:32:07:00 - 00:32:35:23
Lydia Farbach
I don’t want to scare people—this isn’t most people’s experience—but more struggle with postpartum depression or anxiety than we acknowledge, and partners and parents often don’t know how to help.
00:32:36:00 - 00:33:11:11
Dave Quak
It’s encouraging to see you’ve kept your faith through this. You’ve faced significant challenges but are still here, which is inspirational. Life is hard, especially with mental illness—it’s not a walk in the park; it’s like Jurassic Park! I appreciate you sharing your story. Any last words of wisdom, Lydia Farbach, before you pray for us?
00:33:11:11 - 00:33:39:04
Lydia Farbach
It’s been so hard, but I’d do it all again for my son. I’ve understood God’s love for us on a deeper level—He’d go through hell for us. That love for your child is worth it.
00:33:39:06 - 00:34:01:09
Dave Quak
That’s a brilliant last thought. Please pray for us to wrap up.
00:34:01:11 - 00:34:33:15
Lydia Farbach
Dear Heavenly Father, we thank You for bringing so many good things into this world—beautiful babies and parents. Lord, I pray for an awakening in churches and people’s lives about the impact of the postpartum period, pregnancy, and birth. It’s a miracle but can be vulnerable and scary. I pray for support, community, and real connection for those going through it.
00:34:33:15 - 00:34:47:12
Lydia Farbach
Thank You for this podcast, which has encouraged me through examining my faith and mental health. May it reach and impact many lives. In Your name, Amen.
00:34:47:14 - 00:35:22:03
Dave Quak
Amen. Thanks for tuning into Sunburnt Souls. Your feedback, texts, and messages are a blessing. Subscribing on Apple or Spotify would be epic, but if not, that’s okay. If you’re feeling generous, leave a review. Otherwise, go have coffee with a mate, and I pray you have the best week.
