Sex, Theology & Song of Songs: Meet Christian Sexologist Monica Cook
Welcome to Sunburnt Souls. I’m Dave Quak, and on this show, we explore life, faith, and all things mental well-being. This week, I had the privilege of chatting with Monica Cook, a Christian sexologist with the Life to the Full team in Sydney. We discussed sex, mental health, their connections, and many other important topics.
00:00:23:01 - 00:00:44:06
Dave Quak
Surprisingly, I don’t think this episode needs a parental warning—it’s entirely respectful and insightful. So, enjoy the chat, and thanks for tuning in to Sunburnt Souls. Monica, there are some epic job titles out there—fighter pilot, dog trainer—but if I could choose any title to plaster on my office door, it’d probably be yours.
00:00:44:11 - 00:00:49:09
Dave Quak
So, tell us—what’s written on your office door?
00:00:49:11 - 00:01:19:13
Monica Cook
It’s funny you ask. At my church, someone once said, “Monica works in sex,” and I had to clarify, “I’m not a sex worker; I’m a sexologist.” It’s a great title, but definitely a conversation starter—or stopper—at parties. It either opens people up or shuts them down. Either way, I think it’s super cool.
00:01:19:13 - 00:01:24:00
Monica Cook
You really do get strong reactions—one way or the other.
00:01:24:05 - 00:01:43:03
Dave Quak
It is cool. The more you get to know me, Monica, the more you’ll realize I’m kind of a clown. Before this interview, I told my wife, Jess, “I’d better have some recent experience—I don’t want to be drawing on outdated research!” Jess, my wife, rolled her eyes and told me to go away.
00:01:43:03 - 00:02:04:04
Dave Quak
But seriously—you can’t write a PhD with material from 1985! I wanted to be well-prepared. So, you’re a sexologist and part of the Life to the Full team with our mate Christian Baloney—we’ve had him on the show a couple of times.
00:02:04:06 - 00:02:30:03
Monica Cook
Yes, I love working at Life to the Full. It’s such a great team—godly people passionate about integrating mental health with Christian faith. It’s a unique environment where I can practice as a sexologist within a Christian framework. That kind of integration is rare and very special.
00:02:30:03 - 00:02:35:01
Monica Cook
It’s just not something you find everywhere.
00:02:35:03 - 00:02:42:19
Dave Quak
So, you’re a Christian and a sexologist—that’s got to be the best combo this side of eternity.
00:02:42:21 - 00:02:49:17
Monica Cook
Absolutely. Sex won’t be needed on the other side of eternity, so this is the time to talk about it!
00:02:49:19 - 00:02:55:22
Dave Quak
For those who don’t know—what exactly does a sexologist do?
00:02:56:03 - 00:03:23:14
Monica Cook
We’re different from counselors and psychologists—we’re specifically trained to work with individuals and couples on issues related to sex and intimacy. It’s about helping people achieve sexual well-being, whatever that looks like for them, and addressing how it overlaps with physical and mental health.
00:03:23:14 - 00:03:42:17
Monica Cook
I sometimes describe myself as a sex detective. People often come in confused or unsure how to talk about what they’re experiencing. I help them find language for what’s happening and explore whether the issues are physical, psychological, relational, cultural, or spiritual—or usually, a mix of all of them.
00:03:42:17 - 00:04:07:08
Monica Cook
There’s a lot of psychoeducation involved, as well as various therapeutic approaches. I also do somatic work, which means working with the body, not just talk therapy. Sex is an embodied experience, and sometimes the mind understands something the body hasn’t caught up with.
00:04:07:09 - 00:05:23:14
Monica Cook
It’s all hands-off, of course. Clients become aware of their bodies and might be given exercises to try at home. If hands-on care is needed—like a medical exam—I refer them to a pelvic floor physiotherapist or gynecologist. I often collaborate with other professionals as part of a multidisciplinary approach.
00:05:23:14 - 00:06:06:04
Monica Cook
I work with men, women, LGBTQ+ clients, people wrestling with sexual identity and faith, trauma, betrayal—you name it. It’s a really diverse space. Every client brings a unique story.
00:06:06:07 - 00:06:12:21
Dave Quak
It sounds incredibly complex. I guess it’s rarely just a physical issue?
00:06:13:01 - 00:06:37:13
Monica Cook
Exactly. I sometimes wish humans were easier to figure out! Everyone is unique—their defenses, their history—so it’s all about tailoring the work to the person in front of me.
00:06:37:15 - 00:06:39:07
Monica Cook
It has to be.
00:06:39:09 - 00:06:51:08
Dave Quak
You mentioned mental well-being. What are some key links you see between mental and sexual health?
00:06:51:10 - 00:08:09:23
Monica Cook
It definitely goes both ways. For example, depression can reduce energy, motivation, and libido. Anxiety redirects blood flow away from the genitals, which isn’t helpful for sex. Medications like antidepressants can also impact libido. On the flip side, sexual dysfunction can lead to shame, anxiety, and depression.
00:08:10:00 - 00:09:13:13
Monica Cook
When sex is going well, it’s like a small room in a big house. But when it’s not, it becomes the only room you see. It can dominate your thoughts and self-esteem, especially because it affects relationships, which are essential for mental health. Sexual issues are often private, and many don’t realize support exists. They carry shame, especially when media portrays everyone else having amazing sex.
00:09:13:15 - 00:10:49:24
Monica Cook
That isolation can lead to unhealthy striving or deep shame. Often, trauma—developmental or sexual—lies underneath. The presenting issue is usually just the tip of the iceberg.
00:10:50:01 - 00:12:45:23
Monica Cook
For example, a woman might say she never wants sex again. When I ask her to describe the kind of sex she doesn’t want, she reveals unfulfilling or distressing experiences. Often, she hasn’t told her partner. Digging deeper, we find she struggles with boundaries, people-pleasing, or speaking up—not just in sex, but in all areas of life. So, the issue touches every corner of her well-being.
00:12:46:00 - 00:13:58:22
Dave Quak
That’s a really helpful example. It’s interesting that you mention the church’s silence on these things—that’s a huge missed opportunity. As a believer for over two decades, I’ve never seen a seminar called “How to Pleasure Your Wife.” We just don’t talk about it.
Monica Cook
I know, and it’s such a shame. The church could frame this conversation beautifully: God created sex, it’s good, it’s sacred, and it’s worth doing well. But churches avoid it due to historical confusion.
00:13:58:22 - 00:17:34:21
Monica Cook
There’s a mix of dualism (elevating spirit over body), Stoicism (rejecting emotion and pleasure), and asceticism (viewing sex as sinful unless for procreation). Add purity culture, patriarchy, porn, and hesitancy to address LGBTQ+ issues, and churches feel ill-equipped. But scripture offers beautiful, redemptive language for sex, intimacy, and desire.
00:17:34:21 - 00:18:23:16
Dave Quak
Yeah, if you read Song of Songs, it’s literally about two people enjoying each other—not some hidden allegory. To me, it’s a husband delighting in his wife, and a wife delighting in her husband.
Monica Cook
Exactly—and I think it’s both. It reflects human intimacy and mirrors God’s longing for closeness with us. Sex is an echo of that divine, covenant love. It’s theological and physical.
00:18:23:16 - 00:18:43:16
Monica Cook
There’s a Hebrew word—yada—that means “to know” in the most intimate, covenantal way. It’s used when Adam “knew” Eve. That’s the kind of knowing God desires with us—full, unveiled, and safe. Not sexual, but even deeper in intimacy. It’s about being seen, known, and embraced—nothing hidden. Sex reflects that covenant love.
00:18:43:16 - 00:21:09:18
Dave Quak
Wow. Before the fall, Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed—fully known. That’s the vulnerability and connection we crave. Like you said, without God, sex becomes a substitute for that deeper longing.
Monica Cook
Exactly. People idolize sex because it’s the closest thing to divine intimacy they know. With God, that longing is fulfilled more profoundly. Song of Songs is revolutionary, especially for women. The woman initiates, desires, and speaks. It’s mutual and engages all the senses, not just the physical act. That’s often missed.
00:21:09:18 - 00:22:39:06
Monica Cook
Sex isn’t just about procreation or physical release—it’s about oneness, mutual pleasure, and connection. Many women I see say they only do it to maintain the relationship, missing that it’s for them too—not just the man. That’s a tragedy because they’re missing the blessing of mutual intimacy.
00:22:39:06 - 00:24:06:15
Dave Quak
That’s a huge mindset shift. So, while you sometimes give practical help—like a physiotherapist giving exercises—your work often goes deeper?
Monica Cook
Yes. Clients often try the medical route—pills, tests—then realize there’s more going on. I discuss practical things like lubrication, foreplay, or positions, but usually, it’s about trauma, unmet needs, broken communication, or cultural baggage. Sometimes it’s a lack of presence—sex becomes robotic, not connected. My job is to help them reconnect body, mind, and spirit.
00:24:06:15 - 00:25:00:18
Dave Quak
I imagine you get more thank-you cards than most clinicians!
Monica Cook
It’s funny—I thought word of mouth wouldn’t work in this job, but it’s the main way people find me. Despite the taboo, people are desperate for help and healing. I’m grateful to do this as a Christian—our clinic isn’t just for believers, but it’s built on a Christian foundation of holistic health.
00:25:00:20 - 00:27:06:10
Dave Quak
That’s awesome. It must be a lot to carry, hearing so many worldviews and stories. For those struggling with sexual or mental well-being, where should they start?
Monica Cook
Start by slowing down. Sometimes we’re too close to the issue to see what’s wrong. A great resource for women is Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. Also, talk to someone safe. One study showed that simply discussing issues with a trusted person led to significant improvement. You don’t have to suffer alone.
00:27:06:12 - 00:28:02:13
Monica Cook
For Christians, I’ve seen something beautiful: clients come in focused on fixing a sexual issue, but they encounter God’s love, grace, and presence in the pain. Often, that’s more transformative than solving the issue. They say, “I’m glad I went through this—I understand grace now.” That’s the real treasure: finding God in the mess.
00:28:02:15 - 00:29:13:06
Dave Quak
That’s so good. To wrap up, your team offers online sessions, right?
Monica Cook
Yes, we do telehealth appointments, so people anywhere can book in.
00:29:13:06 - 00:31:12:23
Dave Quak
Great—we’ll put those links in the show notes. Any final encouragement?
Monica Cook
To anyone suffering quietly, know that God sees you and cares deeply. Don’t be afraid to bring your sexuality to Him in prayer—it matters to Him. There is help, healing, and hope. Start by talking to someone you trust. Shame thrives in secrecy, but healing begins in the light. Even if the problem doesn’t vanish instantly, the journey can bring you closer to God. That’s the most profound healing.
00:31:12:23 - 00:33:09:17
Dave Quak
That’s amazing. Monica Cook, sexologist from Life to the Full—thank you so much for joining us on Sunburnt Souls.
Monica Cook
You’re so welcome.
00:33:09:17 - 00:35:12:19
Dave Quak
Would you mind finishing by praying for our listeners?
Monica Cook
Of course.
00:35:12:19 - 00:35:20:15
Monica Cook
Heavenly Father,
Thank You that You are a God of love who longs to be intimately connected with us. Thank You for the gift of covenant love—in marriage and in our relationship with You. I pray for anyone listening who feels alone, ashamed, or stuck—may they sense Your presence right now. Surround them with the support they need. Let them find healing and peace. Thank You for resources like this podcast and for Dave and the work he’s doing. Bless every listener and draw them closer to Your heart.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.
00:35:20:17 - 00:36:29:02
Dave Quak
Amen. Thanks for tuning in to Sunburnt Souls. We’re grateful for your support. Subscribe on Apple or Spotify to help us grow, and if you’re feeling generous, leave a review. Have a brilliant week!
