Christian Singleness & Dating with Purpose: Church Culture & Mental Health — with Dom & Sara

Dave Quak
All right. Well, we are here on Sunburnt Souls with the first time I've ever interviewed two people in this studio. We have Dom here. Or as she doesn't like to be called, Dominic. So Dom and Sara, without a H over there, just say, Hey, how are you ladies? Good. You looking forward to today?

00:00:17:10 - 00:00:18:01
Dom
Yeah.

00:00:18:03 - 00:00:37:01
Dave Quak
I hope so, because we are speaking about all the single ladies today. We're talking about what it is like to be a single person, woman of faith, doing life in the world of the Christian church at the moment. So thank you for coming on. I think it's an important topic. Just before we get going, could you share where you're at?

00:00:37:02 - 00:00:41:10
Dave Quak
Are you dating? Are you not dating? Like, where are you? Where are you at right now?

00:00:41:12 - 00:00:45:06
Dom
Well I'm single single, which helps for the chat.

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Dave Quak
It does help.

00:00:47:04 - 00:00:47:12
Dom
Yeah.

00:00:47:12 - 00:00:48:18
Sara
Prepared that earlier for you.

00:00:48:19 - 00:00:49:17
Dave Quak
Yeah.

00:00:49:19 - 00:00:50:14
Dom
Now. Yeah. Single.

00:00:50:18 - 00:00:52:06
Dave Quak
Single and.

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Sara
Say yes. Also single. Yeah. I'm dating, but probably with perfect I don't know, everyone's is dating with purpose, but yes cautiously maybe dating.

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Dave Quak
Okay. So dating with purpose. I've not heard that long because I've been married 23 years, so I'm way out of the game. What does that mean? So you're looking for somebody, but not just anybody?

00:01:10:23 - 00:01:18:00
Sara
Yeah, I guess it's a good way of putting it. Yeah. And just being careful about who you open up to or. Yeah. Yeah.

00:01:18:02 - 00:01:31:23
Dave Quak
And you both professionals in your 30s, educated, traveled, had lots of fun in your life. So what's it actually like being a single woman in churches these days?

00:01:32:00 - 00:01:35:10
Sara
I think you're in good company. There's lots of it. Yeah, there's lots of them.

00:01:35:12 - 00:02:04:04
Dom
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's. I guess it can be. It's it's tricky because you kind of start in your 20s and everyone's, you know, really excited to be finding the love of their life. And you've kind of thought about that all through high school. And then yeah, you kind of somehow just cruise along and some people get married off and then there's some people left and yeah, you kind of you're in it together I guess.

00:02:04:06 - 00:02:04:16
Dom


00:02:04:17 - 00:02:10:01
Dave Quak
Okay. So you got like you do have you girls you've got each other in the process.

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Sara
Yeah.

00:02:10:16 - 00:02:12:19
Dave Quak
What's it like for you say.

00:02:12:21 - 00:02:38:17
Sara
Similar I guess I slightly different sort of recorded in that in my 20s I was not in the church. So coming back to it was what I expected. Everyone's basically married off which is good. But it does feel like there's definitely more women now that are single in that like late 20s, 30s. Yeah, yeah.

00:02:38:19 - 00:02:48:16
Dave Quak
I mean, I totally it feels like it like I don't know what the stats say, but you go to a church and you're like, there are lots of women who go to, you know, and that's what you guys have found as well.

00:02:48:18 - 00:03:11:23
Dom
Yeah. Yeah, I think you yeah, you either get married really young or you kind of just waiting for the right person. And if they don't come along, you're not going to just I guess you're not just going to settle for whoever comes along. You are waiting for someone that, yeah, is going to stand with you and share the same faith and, yeah, strengthen each other.

00:03:11:23 - 00:03:23:14
Dom
And yeah, you're looking for a certain type of person. So if you don't find it, you would rather be waiting in single then, kind of settle for something that's not quite right.

00:03:23:19 - 00:03:45:19
Dave Quak
Let's stay there, Dom. Okay? Because I, I wonder what the temptation is. Okay. So you waiting for your faithful man of God to, you know, search and putting the fleece out, whatever the whatever you methods are. Is it ever tempting to be let blow it. There are like so many epic non-Christian dudes who might treat me well. Like, do you ever feel like compromising your values just to find a husband?

00:03:45:21 - 00:04:06:22
Dom
Yeah, I guess I guess if you put yourself in those positions to be tempted, if you're kind of looking in those areas, I think you would. Yeah, you could maybe find people where it might be like, oh, maybe I can really overlook this. Maybe if they're happy or if they agree with where I'm at, it might be okay.

00:04:06:22 - 00:04:20:06
Dom
But I think when you really thinking about it long term, I just it just every time it's like it's just not worth it. Yeah. It's. Yeah, it. Yeah. That's how I feel anyway. Yeah.

00:04:20:06 - 00:04:26:09
Sara
No, I agree, I think you could fake it for a little while, but it would come back around where you just. Yeah, it would catch up with you I think.

00:04:26:12 - 00:04:37:13
Dave Quak
Yeah. It come back to bite you. Yeah. Because the principles in Scripture they work even when we don't want them to. Yeah. Sarah you said you were not in the church in your 20s. So were you dating non-Christian dates.

00:04:37:14 - 00:04:40:11
Sara
Yes. Yeah. Okay. My sister in my 20s. Yeah.

00:04:40:13 - 00:04:42:17
Dave Quak
And was that a good experience. So what was that like.

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Sara
It was fine. Like I think it's, just a worldly experience that anyone would tell you about. Not bad people, but I guess growing up in the church when I was younger, there's always that, sort of want or desire to have a Christian man because they want you want someone to lead you in your faith as well.

00:05:04:02 - 00:05:09:12
Sara
And they need to take responsibility for the family. Yeah. All those kind of occasions.

00:05:09:12 - 00:05:25:18
Dave Quak
So not just like a tick box Christian man, but an actual, Okay, so say you'll look back to the dating app thing. Say you're looking for someone because I've heard that you can just tick. Okay, I'm a Christian here. And then put yourself in the fishing pond of all these beautiful Christian women who are looking for a Christian man.

00:05:25:20 - 00:05:34:09
Dave Quak
What's it like having to try to decipher, okay, is this guy for real or not? Like, is that laborious? Is it fun? Like, what's that like?

00:05:34:11 - 00:05:38:10
Dom
I wouldn't say it's fun.

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Sara
I think it.

00:05:39:11 - 00:06:02:13
Dom
May be frustrating. It would be the word, I guess, because you. Yeah, there's, like an element of. It is great that you can kind of, you can filter down to that, but then even that you're looking for people that are genuine. And yeah, I've always thought like it's, you know, obviously I haven't been married, but to me, marriage is like this partnership.

00:06:02:13 - 00:06:29:02
Dom
And you want to be, I guess, encouraging each other and strengthening each other. So if it's not really going to have that element, like it's not I think. Yeah, it's not quite what it should be or what it's designed to be. So yeah, you kind of yeah, you're doing your own filters as well and you're kind of looking out for keywords or maybe just not, you know, looking for certain things and trying to avoid other things.

00:06:29:04 - 00:06:29:20
Dom


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Sara
Yeah. That's a good way to put it.

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Dave Quak
Yeah. Yeah. And looking for red flags and stuff. But like you'd be up for a date if say me or the pastor from this church or something was like, hey, we've got this guy, he's just moved here. He's a legend. He loves Jesus. Do you guys want to go get dinner together? Look, you're up for it, right?

00:06:46:23 - 00:06:48:22
Sara
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:48:24 - 00:06:49:05
Dave Quak
Oh, he's.

00:06:49:05 - 00:06:56:11
Dom
Up for it. But I would say there are there are good ways to do that. And there are very awkward ways to do that. Okay.

00:06:56:11 - 00:06:59:00
Dave Quak
Let's go with the awkward way first.

00:06:59:02 - 00:07:10:01
Dom
Oh, I think just putting too much pressure and. Right, right. We're going to have a dinner, just the two of you and us, and let's make it really.

00:07:10:03 - 00:07:11:21
Dave Quak
The two like high.

00:07:11:21 - 00:07:34:17
Dom
Stakes this is going to you've got to be comfortable straight away. Whereas I think, you know, you can still have group settings where you just inviting a bunch of people and like, I know it's very easy to feel like the 17th wheel. Yeah. On certain things. But yeah, like if you just make it casual.

00:07:34:22 - 00:07:49:11
Dave Quak
Yeah. Okay. And that's good. So if it's, if it is sort of a set up, it doesn't need to feel like a set up. It can be like okay, look. Yeah. Low stakes. This is that person I want to introduce you. If it doesn't work, no big deal. But have a crack anyway. Yeah, yeah. Cool. Have you ever been set up?

00:07:49:11 - 00:07:54:04
Sara
Say, No. Not like in a Christian setting. No, no.

00:07:54:06 - 00:08:00:09
Dave Quak
She's. I can imagine that wouldn't be that fun. If the person turns up and you're like, I know this isn't going to work, and you've got two hours with a food to eat.

00:08:00:09 - 00:08:01:21
Dom
Yeah.

00:08:01:23 - 00:08:03:09
Sara
Yeah. No, don't do dinner.

00:08:03:11 - 00:08:23:23
Dave Quak
There's no. But it's good to know some of the things that people shouldn't do. You know, as a single woman in your 30s, like, you know, you mentioned one other time we were talking about this. You sometimes feel that people think you've got some terminal illness or like, how does that play out?

00:08:24:00 - 00:08:56:16
Dom
Yeah, I guess like because we all do this, we put people into categories and you trying to figure out where they fit. So you if you're meeting someone for the first time, you try to understand what they do. And, you know, we all asked general questions we do for work and all that sort of thing. And then I think when it comes to that, a you married a single, that type of thing, and then it kind of can sometimes shut down a conversation or it can sometimes people just feel awkward themselves, like they've got to solve it for you or like, yeah, they feel awkward and you're like, well, I don't know.

00:08:56:17 - 00:08:58:09
Dom
Are you feeling. Yeah.

00:08:58:11 - 00:09:02:03
Dave Quak
I'm like, I'm making myself now. Like, I like my life. I'm okay.

00:09:02:03 - 00:09:04:05
Dom
Yeah, yeah.

00:09:04:07 - 00:09:19:21
Sara
Yeah, I think that's it. You are like for the most part we are fine. And that's why we're happy to wait for the right one. Yeah. So it can come. But like you do get that like awkward. Oh it'll happen. Yeah. And then you're like no no I'm like it's okay. Yeah I'm not dying.

00:09:19:23 - 00:09:23:19
Dave Quak
Yeah. You are fine. Like there's a lot of things about singleness that are pretty epic.

00:09:23:21 - 00:09:24:03
Sara
Oh yeah.

00:09:24:03 - 00:09:44:20
Dave Quak
Do you know what I mean. Like it's not just loneliness and like watching love stories by yourself. Like you've both recently. You've just been to Vietnam. You just went to Cambodia like there's opportunity. There's, you know, you do have freedom to go and enjoy your life. Yeah. Like, it's not this horrible sentence and you're both, like, active in the Kingdom, you know.

00:09:44:20 - 00:09:53:21
Dave Quak
And Paul's like, hey, man, if you want to marry, go ahead. But if you're going to stay single, do so and then use your time to see God's kingdom grow. You know, both of you doing that.

00:09:53:23 - 00:10:19:17
Dom
Yeah, yeah. Paul was a huge advocate for being singles. Yeah, man. But, but yeah, it's true. Like, there's, I have a capacity that my married friends don't like. I've got, I've got time. I'm available. And I think God's like, given me heaps of opportunities. Yeah, not necessarily because I'm more equipped or better skilled at something, but I'm just purely available.

00:10:19:20 - 00:10:24:00
Dom
Yeah. And so he has definitely use that.

00:10:24:03 - 00:10:36:12
Dave Quak
Yeah. Yeah. He really has any to say. Yeah. You know you're getting like you're bringing people to Jesus and hooking them into life groups and stuff. Like he's really using you. Do you feel the same thing like with the saying singleness does come kingdom opportunity?

00:10:36:15 - 00:10:52:15
Sara
Yeah. Like I think it's fair of anyone. We only have to worry about out of time. For the time being anyway. And I guess most people in our age or even starting have kids or have got a few kids and it's just you just wouldn't be able to. Yeah. You get to do a lot of things.

00:10:52:15 - 00:11:01:14
Sara
Like alone time with God is super easy because you just go whenever you want. Which is cool. So it's great for those kind of growth aspects of.

00:11:01:14 - 00:11:21:03
Dave Quak
Oh yeah, and you look at the beach, my son sunrise is taken. Photos of the sunrise as well. Everyone else is like juggling kids and nappies and stuff. I mean, there's some benefits. So you guys know, this is like a mental health focused podcast. What does it do in your mental wellbeing on the tougher days? So that's a good days, obviously.

00:11:21:03 - 00:11:31:13
Dave Quak
But I imagine like maybe, a couple of days after a wedding and you're like, oh, I really actually wanted to be married by now. So there are the tougher days. What's it like for you in those times?

00:11:31:15 - 00:11:56:16
Dom
I think, it just requires mental stamina because you. Yeah, like you do have those and I'm sure in any, in any season it's like that you have your ups and you downs. But I think when you're in a position where you're single by circumstance and not by choice, you're kind of you're in this, you feel like you're a bit in a waiting period.

00:11:56:16 - 00:12:24:12
Dom
And I think when you're when you're not aware of where you're sitting and seeking the Lord in that it can be, it can be tough because it can feel isolating or you can feel like, well, what's wrong with me? Yeah. Why, yeah. Why hasn't it happened or. Yeah. So I think it's just that constant staying on top of those, that internal dialog as well.

00:12:24:14 - 00:12:53:04
Dom
And what you believing because, you know, the reality is, is that I am a child of God and, yeah, that God's got a plan and a purpose and and so it can be tough. Yeah. Do what you say after you've been to a wedding or if you, you know, there's times where it's just, just generally isolating because it is harder to make friends in your 30s when you're single and people, have got different things going on.

00:12:53:04 - 00:12:55:20
Dom
They're different seasons. They just don't have the time.

00:12:55:22 - 00:12:56:04
Dave Quak
Yeah.

00:12:56:10 - 00:13:18:10
Dom
So I think that can be tricky. And so just keeping keeping your eyes fixed on on God and and really. Yeah. Just being aware of it and not letting yourself spiral with, that negative kind of train of thought. Yeah.

00:13:18:12 - 00:13:31:12
Dave Quak
I like your phrase mental stamina. And so do you think that's being cultivated by training? Okay. You know, you're training it in your late to late 20s. Now you're training it into your early 30s. It's like a muscle that you've had to learn to train.

00:13:31:14 - 00:13:34:14
Dom
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

00:13:34:16 - 00:13:50:17
Dave Quak
You should like quickly like like I don't know what it's called. Trademark the name Mental Stamina because I've never heard it and it's so good. It's a good face. What about you say it in the hard days. Like what's it like for you. Yeah.

00:13:50:19 - 00:14:15:04
Sara
I it's like I sort of see it in the same way with any spiritual struggle. It's no different. You're going to have the times where it is really hot and you're going to feel isolated, I guess. But it's for me as well. Again, coming from, like, coming back into the church and stuff. I haven't been back in the church, so anywhere near as long as, like, Tom's obviously always been.

00:14:15:06 - 00:14:30:24
Sara
So I do, and I've got to watch myself as, like, I did all this in my 20s, so now I don't get this in my 30s, and that's probably more like my train of thought. And I know that that's a similar thought to a lot of people. Yeah, yeah.

00:14:31:01 - 00:14:32:16
Dom
Like it's a reward system.

00:14:32:21 - 00:14:36:00
Sara
Yeah, yeah. Like if you had stayed being a Christian you whole. Yeah.

00:14:36:01 - 00:14:50:10
Dom
Yeah yeah. And it's and it can I've felt like that before where it was like even when you're comparing yourself to others and you know, you've got friends or know people that have, they've had them first marriage and they're onto their second. And you feel a bit like.

00:14:50:13 - 00:14:51:21
Sara
Well, why are you getting that? Yeah.

00:14:51:24 - 00:15:03:18
Dom
Yeah. And then yeah, yeah. Like, do I not deserve it or that sort of thing. Yeah. And it's, it's not that I don't, you know, it's but it can. Yeah. I can feel that way. Yeah.

00:15:03:18 - 00:15:22:09
Sara
It's you've got to remind yourself, as with anything in that spiritual realm, there's this huge mystery around it. And like, I sort of. And it's not comparable, but I do compare it to things like people get sick that are Christians and might get cancer or something. Yeah. And they pray for healing and may not get it like, but no one can tell you really why.

00:15:22:15 - 00:15:29:05
Sara
Yeah. And it's a similar thing like, okay, you're not married. Why. But there's no there's not necessarily a black and white answer for it.

00:15:29:07 - 00:15:35:06
Dave Quak
Yeah I love that you saying that's it because a lot of people will be like, okay, this is punishment for your unruly lifestyle. 20s. It's not.

00:15:35:06 - 00:15:35:19
Sara
No, that.

00:15:35:19 - 00:15:36:19
Dave Quak
Is just not how will.

00:15:36:20 - 00:15:44:01
Sara
Not like nothing that God says is like it would. If that was your thinking, then everything else that follows with how you think God works is wrong.

00:15:44:03 - 00:16:02:03
Dave Quak
Yes. Yeah, that's such a good pick up. Now that is a really good pick up. And so you've got to like, speak grace over your situation now that okay, even though it's not what you would ideally want, you're still walking in grace. You're still not, you know, afflicted by Jesus or anything. It's a really good point, I like that.

00:16:02:05 - 00:16:23:02
Dave Quak
No, I like that a lot. What have you found to be okay? So we know that there is like a plethora of Christian women in the churches in their 20s and 30s. Do you think it's unbalanced with the number of guys? I mean, we touched on it earlier, but the dudes don't seem to be around. Like, is that just my perception perspective?

00:16:23:02 - 00:16:39:15
Dave Quak
Because I'm a pastor, I have to keep going in my own church, so I can't go and go on looking for dudes at other churches like you guys can. Right? But is that the case all over the place? Like, if you go to the fancy churches up and down the Gold Coast strip, are there also more women there as well?

00:16:39:17 - 00:17:00:13
Sara
It feels that way. It definitely feels that way. I probably we haven't church up to and I think for a little while, but yeah, it feels that way. Or there's a weird culture around it sometimes as well. Okay with it. Praying for marriages in the church. Yeah, okay. Which is I haven't thought enough about it to comment too much on it, but it does feel.

00:17:00:15 - 00:17:09:22
Dave Quak
Well, wait a second. So you go into a church and then they're up the front saying, Lord, send people to get married and you're in the church as a potential victim.

00:17:09:24 - 00:17:13:15
Sara
Yeah, not a candidate. It gives like a bit of a weird do you kind of like, oh.

00:17:13:17 - 00:17:21:07
Dave Quak
Maybe you just got the one like, oh, you know, I think I did. I think I want you get the one awkward service. Have you ever had that where you get into the marriage prayer service?

00:17:21:11 - 00:17:41:15
Dom
No, but I've been to my fair share of, Christian events, and I guess. Yeah, I wouldn't say church hopping around, but I am involved in different Christian events. And then, yeah, you kind of have those awkward moments where it's like, all right, and can all the single people put their hands up and then we're going to stand like they do.

00:17:41:17 - 00:18:04:07
Dom
They do it in jest mainly, but yeah. But then there's always that element of, if you're in a Christian mission space, it's, it is a good place to find a partner. And people do find partners in those spaces all the time, but it does create a bit of an expectation sometimes. And I think people, maybe focus a bit too much on that.

00:18:04:11 - 00:18:16:11
Dom
Yeah, at times. But yeah. And you do tend to say that it's more of the more of the Christian women represented. Yeah. Yes. As a general rule.

00:18:16:13 - 00:18:36:13
Dave Quak
That is interesting. Yeah. Because it would be cool to see more guys. I mean, they must be feeling like they've won the lottery going round to all these churches, but then to see them step up, not just to be tick box Christians, but like you mentioned earlier, that they are like men who are willing to lead and have responsibility and lead a family and, you know, be the real men.

00:18:36:16 - 00:18:38:14
Dave Quak


00:18:38:16 - 00:18:59:09
Sara
Yeah. That that's also part of the, I don't know, part of some of the issue of dating and online dating is that you can say that you're Christian so easily and then have no follow through and have a million excuses or reasons why you don't serve, or you don't go to church on Sunday or why you think hooking up fine with different people all the time.

00:18:59:09 - 00:19:03:07
Sara
And yeah, yeah, so it gives it bad representation as well I think.

00:19:03:11 - 00:19:07:11
Dave Quak
Yeah. So you'll get Christian dudes saying saying I'm a Christian and then just wanting to hook up at the end.

00:19:07:15 - 00:19:09:06
Sara
Yeah. Can we just do casual or.

00:19:09:06 - 00:19:11:13
Dave Quak
Just get out personally? Isn't that crazy?

00:19:11:17 - 00:19:12:10
Sara
Yeah.

00:19:12:12 - 00:19:33:14
Dave Quak
Okay. So then moving forward, right. There's only really two options. One person comes along, no person comes along, someone comes along or they don't. What are you going to do both in your life and faith and mental wellbeing? In either of those scenarios? I don't know. Don't you want to go first? Your closest?

00:19:33:16 - 00:19:55:11
Dom
Yeah, I guess you kind of. You have that thought, like I was saying, only like you're in high school and you think, yep, life is going to look like this. You you finish up school, you find someone, you get married, you have. Yeah. Like, that's kind of the one path that you're that you're aware of when you when you look to your future, and you don't really consider.

00:19:55:11 - 00:20:25:00
Dom
Well, what if it doesn't look like that? And I think you get to that point. Well, I, I certainly got to that point went, oh, I've actually got to consider that there may be something different in store for me. And that's okay. So just being able to say my life take two directions because I guess probably in my mid 20s, I got to the point where I was like, well, I could sit around and wait for someone and be miserable while I wait.

00:20:25:02 - 00:20:56:10
Dom
Or I could accept that, you know, I'm just going to, like, God's given me this life and it might look like this, or I might look like that, and I want to be mentally prepared for either one, because the risk is, I guess there's the pendulum can swing either way. You can either live where you're, waiting and become really bitter and you miserable, or you can go to the other extreme and go, well, I'm, I'm independent and I don't need anyone.

00:20:56:10 - 00:21:14:20
Dom
And, I guess either way, you become a bit bitter and cynical and and twisted, but if you're kind of just open to whatever God's got in store, it could be this. It could be that you kind of have to leave that open. And it can be tricky because it's uncertain and you're not sure what it look like.

00:21:14:22 - 00:21:45:11
Dom
And it requires a lot of trust. Yeah. And but also not losing heart. It's just this weird balance. But I think, Yeah, I just, I for me, I know that God, wants good things for me, so I just trust that that could look like, you know, finding someone, getting married, or it could look like being single and, like, I just know that he's got something good in store either way.

00:21:45:13 - 00:21:52:07
Dave Quak
Was there like, a defining moment in your 20s when you got to that resolution. Like did something happen or was that just a gradual choice or.

00:21:52:10 - 00:22:07:05
Dom
Well I always wanted to go traveling and do what my parents did where they just, they went on their honeymoon, they went overseas, and got a van and travel around Europe for six months. I was like, that is a dream. And I got to the point where I was like, oh, what am I waiting for?

00:22:07:06 - 00:22:16:04
Dom
Why don't I just go? And so I did. I wouldn't just travel around Europe for five months on my own. It was epic. I loved it. Yeah.

00:22:16:04 - 00:22:17:02
Dave Quak
Cool.

00:22:17:04 - 00:22:43:23
Dom
Yeah. And you just become a bit more comfortable in your own company, and. And it's not that you're on your own because you've got, like, you've got this opportunity to have a really awesome relationship with God. And he is so gracious in those moments of, yeah, feeling lonely or whatever it is. And yeah, I feel like you can draw close, like have those opportunities.

00:22:43:23 - 00:22:55:05
Dom
Like Sarah said before, you've got this time and the opportunity to do it. Okay. So yeah, I think that was probably yeah. The bit of a bit of a catalyst for me. But yeah.

00:22:55:07 - 00:22:58:00
Dave Quak
That's cool man. That's cool. And stay with you.

00:22:58:05 - 00:22:58:23
Sara


00:22:59:00 - 00:23:05:23
Dave Quak
Someone comes along or someone doesn't. They're the options. They are. What are you going to do about either of those.

00:23:06:00 - 00:23:24:21
Sara
I don't have to do anything about either of those except be open to it. I suppose it is like what Don was saying, where it's hard. The hardest thing about it is balancing that. Don't get a hot, hot about it. Keeping that flesh hot and that open mind, but also knowing that it's like it's God.

00:23:24:21 - 00:23:48:15
Sara
So really, I can't lose either way. Yeah, but also coming to terms with the fact that it's not what you expected necessarily. Yeah. Yeah. Which doesn't mean it's going to be any less amazing or yeah, have fruitfulness to it, but it's just not what you thought, which is generally what God does anyway. But I would like to think that doesn't mean we're generally going to be single forever.

00:23:48:16 - 00:24:11:23
Dave Quak
No, I don't think it means that I mean, it's one of those things, isn't it? Like in any relationship has a risk of being an idol. So if it becomes above our relationship with Jesus, it needs to get back in order anyway. So you get to solve that sort of thing. But one thing I probably really respect about you both is you're not trying to do it in your own strength, in the sense of luck with Abraham and Sarah.

00:24:12:00 - 00:24:32:13
Dave Quak
They wanted to have a kid. There was a kid that was promised and then getting tired of the promise coming to be tried to solve it in his own strength by going to the other, angle with that other lady. I forget her name. Was it Hagar or something? Yeah. If it's if her name is Hagar, you know, it's a trick where they sleep with Hagar.

00:24:32:16 - 00:24:51:00
Dave Quak
Yeah, we're going to do that anyway. But, like, he was trying to get, you know, the promise into his own strength. And I think that's one thing that comes to bite people in relationships is when we try to do that on a strength, try to force something that's not there. You know, try to date someone we know is not good for us and comes back to bite any everyone.

00:24:51:02 - 00:25:15:16
Dave Quak
You know, all the principles in the Bible are there because they're they work and we all think we're like the exception to the rule of that. So that's super cool. Yeah. And so like and I know for me, if I was single, I would have done something Abraham ish like I don't know, like if I was a lady, I probably would have got a sperm donor or you know what I mean?

00:25:15:16 - 00:25:21:12
Dave Quak
Like, I would have done an Abraham ish thing instead of just resting in what God's doing.

00:25:21:12 - 00:25:23:03
Dom
Yeah.

00:25:23:05 - 00:25:30:23
Dave Quak
You know, do you feel rested the majority of the time. Would you say that like you're mostly rested with moments of frustration.

00:25:31:00 - 00:25:31:23
Sara
Yeah.

00:25:32:00 - 00:25:33:01
Dom
Yeah.

00:25:33:03 - 00:25:59:15
Sara
Yeah yeah I think it's like a thing as well. It's not like you're made to be like Adam and Eve. So it's not bad or it's not thoughts that you shouldn't be having. Yeah. Like so don't beat yourself up because you're like, oh, I really do want someone that's okay. Like you're supposed to want someone that's right. But don't dwell on it to the point where you're, like, grabbing at whatever is around.

00:25:59:15 - 00:26:15:14
Dave Quak
Yeah, yeah. And it does help cultivate a proper theology of friendship as well. Well, there's a lot of things we can get from our friends though. They're not sexual or intimate. They're still fulfilling in different ways. Right. They're still pure and they're still like lovely and noble and, and everything.

00:26:15:16 - 00:26:37:14
Dom
And that's why I think the church can just really, I know shield some of those spaces. And it's meant to be this place of community and it's meant to be this place that's got multi generations. And you know, like I think I've heard, teachings before that, you know, back in some of those Bible days, they would live in these big communal houses.

00:26:37:14 - 00:27:02:11
Dom
And so you went well, I mean, our culture now is very individual and very, very isolated. And so there's no wonder that, you know, you can feel like that if you're not careful and intentional to include yourself in, in, in community because. Yeah, because it's quite easy to live in an apartment on your own or yeah. Or not even know your neighbors and that sort of thing.

00:27:02:11 - 00:27:16:23
Dom
So I think church, when it's healthy and functioning well, it can really, be a place of refuge for not only single people, but married or widows, like, it's meant to be that place for everyone.

00:27:16:23 - 00:27:23:03
Dave Quak
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And you guys do that. Well, do you feel like that's sort of satisfied in your faith community?

00:27:23:05 - 00:27:43:06
Sara
Yeah, I think we're lucky. Excuse me? I think we're lucky because, Tom and I obviously same church and everything, but we have that group there where it's sort of just come together pretty miraculously, and we're all on a similar page and similar walks, so. Yeah. Yeah. But I think that, it's probably across a lot of churches as well.

00:27:43:12 - 00:27:44:18
Sara
Yeah.

00:27:44:20 - 00:28:03:09
Dave Quak
Words of encouragement for anyone who is just feeling a little bit sick of being single. If you could just take him for a coffee and just speak from your experience in your heart, what would be just a few pieces that you would a few pieces of revelation or information you could drop on them?

00:28:03:11 - 00:28:29:03
Dom
I think a big one for me is rather than focusing on what you don't have. Focus on all the things that you do. Yeah. I think when I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself for a bit, yeah. Bit off or a bit down. Just, just reminding myself that of what I do have and like, you know, whether that's great family or, you know, it could be great work environment.

00:28:29:05 - 00:28:40:24
Dom
There's so many things. And looking at the blessings that you do have, is a good way to kind of focus on I know it helps me get back on track and just remember what's important.

00:28:41:01 - 00:28:42:19
Dave Quak
Yeah that's a good point. So there you.

00:28:42:19 - 00:28:56:06
Sara
Go. Yeah pretty similar. Focusing on the positive stuff and just remembering that it's I think that God's got it and it's so like cliche and everything. But at the end of the day, if you really believe that worst case scenario is still pretty good.

00:28:56:08 - 00:29:20:18
Dave Quak
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that. That's awesome. You guys have been helpful. I just think this whole topic needs way more fleshing out within the body of Christ, don't you reckon? Yeah, well, I just don't know if we're doing dating. Well, there's so many things I didn't want to come in here and slander stuff and pick on the problems, cos we know there's problems, but we do need to start speaking into solutions.

00:29:20:18 - 00:29:37:21
Dave Quak
Hey, you know, so I guess if you're listening to this and you have any feedback or solutions, check the comments. Below. But ladies, would you mind wrapping up our conversation today by praying for us? Why don't I get you both the prices for that? Two for one. Can you go first home and use it?

00:29:38:02 - 00:29:38:22
Sara
Yeah.

00:29:38:24 - 00:29:40:16
Dave Quak
Awesome.

00:29:40:18 - 00:30:16:16
Dom
Lord, we just thank you that you are with us and that you never leave us or forsake us. Thank you that you have a plan. That's so much bigger and greater than we could ever imagine. And so I just pray for anyone feeling alone or isolated or, stuck, I guess in their singleness or even in, any stage of life they're in that you would just come and be, ever present and just draw close, and that they would be able to sense your, your presence with them.

00:30:16:18 - 00:30:39:05
Sara
Yes, father. I just pray that your peace is resting on everyone that's listening to this at the moment. Lord, going through mental health struggles, single or otherwise. Lord, that we can just relax and rely on you, Lord, and keep our eyes focused on you. Remember, there's a bigger picture, Lord, and that your hand is on everything in your name.

00:30:39:07 - 00:30:40:01
Sara
Amen.

00:30:40:03 - 00:30:40:19
Dave Quak
Amen.