The Single Life: Faith and Mental Health in the Church

Dave Quak: All right. Well, we are here on Sunburnt Souls, and for the first time, I’ve ever interviewed two people in this studio. We have Dom here, or as she doesn’t like to be called, Dominic, and Sara, without an H. Just say, hey, how are you ladies?

Dom & Sara: Good.

Dave Quak: You looking forward to today? I hope so, because we are speaking about all the single ladies today. We’re talking about what it is like to be a single person, a woman of faith, doing life in the world of the Christian church at the moment. So thank you for coming on. I think it’s an important topic for Christian mental health. Just before we get going, could you share where you're at? Are you dating? Are you not dating?

Dom: Well, I’m single-single, which helps for the chat. Yeah, single.

Sara: Yeah, also single. I’m dating, but probably with purpose. Yes, cautiously maybe dating.

Dave Quak: Okay. So dating with purpose. I’ve not heard that because I’ve been married 23 years, so I’m way out of the game. What does that mean? So you’re looking for somebody, but not just anybody?

Sara: Yeah, I guess it’s a good way of putting it. Yeah. And just being careful about who you open up to.

Dave Quak: And you’re both professionals in your 30s, educated, travelled, had lots of fun in your life. So what’s it actually like being a single woman in churches these days?

Sara: I think you're in good company. There's lots of it. Yeah, there’s lots of them.

Dom: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it’s tricky because you start in your 20s and everyone’s excited to be finding the love of their life. And then some people get married off and then there’s some people left, and you’re kind of you're in it together, I guess.

Dave Quak: Okay. So you do have you girls, you’ve got each other in the process. What’s it like for you, Sara?

Sara: Similar, I guess. Slightly different recorded in that in my 20s I was not in the church. So coming back to it was what I expected. Everyone’s basically married off, which is good. But it does feel like there’s definitely more women now that are single in that late 20s, 30s.

Dave Quak: I mean, it totally feels like it. You go to a church and you’re like, there are lots of women who go to, you know, and that’s what you guys have found as well.

Dom: Yeah. Yeah, I think you either get married really young, or you’re kind of just waiting for the right person. And if they don't come along, you’re not just going to settle for whoever comes along. You are waiting for someone that is going to stand with you and share the same faith and strengthen each other. You’re looking for a certain type of person.

Dave Quak: Let’s stay there, Dom. I wonder what the temptation is. So you’re waiting for your faithful man of God. Is it ever tempting to say, “blow it! There are so many epic non-Christian dudes who might treat me well”? Do you ever feel like compromising your values just to find a husband, especially when Christian Depression or loneliness creeps in?

Dom: I guess if you put yourself in those positions to be tempted, if you’re looking in those areas, you could find people where it might be like, “Oh, maybe I can really overlook this. Maybe if they agree with where I’m at, it might be okay.” But when you’re really thinking about it long term, it’s just not worth it.

Sara: No, I agree. I think you could fake it for a little while, but it would catch up with you, I think.

Dave Quak: Yeah. It’d come back to bite you. Sara, you said you were not in the church in your 20s. So were you dating non-Christian dates?

Sara: Yes.

Dave Quak: And was that a good experience?

Sara: It was fine. I think it’s just a worldly experience that anyone would tell you about. Not bad people, but growing up in the church, there’s always that desire to have a Christian man because you want someone to lead you in your faith as well. And they need to take responsibility for the family. Yeah, all those kind of obligations.

Dave Quak: So not just a tick-box Christian man, but an actual… Say you’re looking for someone online. What’s it like having to try to decipher: “is this guy for real or not?” Like, is that laborious?

Dom: I wouldn’t say it’s fun. It would be frustrating, I guess, because it is great that you can filter down to that, but then even that you’re looking for people that are genuine. To me, marriage is this partnership, and you want to be encouraging and strengthening each other. So if it’s not really going to have that element, it’s not quite what it’s designed to be. You’re doing your own filters, and you’re kind of looking out for keywords or avoiding certain things.

Sara: Yeah. That’s a good way to put it.

Dave Quak: And looking for red flags. But you’d be up for a date if a pastor was like, “Hey, we’ve got this guy, he’s a legend, he loves Jesus. Do you guys want to go get dinner together?” You’re up for it, right?

Sara: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dom: Up for it. But I would say there are good ways to do that, and there are very awkward ways to do that.

Dave Quak: Let’s go with the awkward way first.

Dom: I think just putting too much pressure. “Right, right. We’re going to have a dinner, just the two of you and us, and let’s make it really high stakes.” Whereas I think, you know, you can still have group settings where you’re just inviting a bunch of people and make it casual.

Dave Quak: That’s good. So if it is sort of a setup, it doesn’t need to feel like a setup. It can be low-stakes. Dom, you mentioned one other time we were talking about this, you sometimes feel that people think you’ve got some terminal illness. How does that play out? This touches directly on the stigma in the church around singleness.

Dom: We put people into categories, and if you’re meeting someone for the first time, we ask general questions: what they do, are you married or single? And then it can sometimes shut down a conversation, or people just feel awkward themselves, like they’ve got to solve it for you. You’re like, “I don't know, I like my life, I’m okay.”

Sara: Yeah, I think that’s it. For the most part, we are fine, and that’s why we’re happy to wait for the right one. But you do get that awkward, “Oh, it’ll happen.” And then you’re like, “No, no, I’m okay. I’m not dying.”

Kingdom Opportunity and Mental Stamina

Dave Quak: You are fine! There’s a lot of things about singleness that are pretty epic. It’s not just loneliness and watching love stories by yourself. You’ve just been to Vietnam, just went to Cambodia. There’s freedom to go and enjoy your life. And Paul’s like, “Hey, man, if you want to marry, go ahead, but if you’re going to stay single, use your time to see God’s kingdom grow.” You’re both doing that.

Dom: Yeah, Paul was a huge advocate for being single. But it’s true. I have a capacity that my married friends don’t. I’ve got time. I’m available. And I think God’s given me heaps of opportunities, not necessarily because I’m more equipped, but I’m just purely available. And so he has definitely used that.

Dave Quak: He really has. Sara, do you feel the same thing, that with singleness does come Kingdom opportunity?

Sara: Yeah. We only have to worry about our own time, for the time being anyway. You get to do a lot of things. Like alone time with God is super easy because you just go whenever you want, which is cool. So it's great for those kind of growth aspects of biblical mental wellbeing.

Dave Quak: You guys know this is a mental health focused podcast. What does it do to your mental wellbeing on the tougher days? The good days are obvious. But maybe a couple of days after a wedding, and you’re like, “Oh, I really actually wanted to be married by now.” What’s it like for you in those times?

Dom: I think it just requires mental stamina. You have your ups and downs. But when you’re single by circumstance and not by choice, you feel like you’re in a waiting period. And when you’re not seeking the Lord in that, it can be tough because it can feel isolating, or you can feel like, “Well, what’s wrong with me?” So I think it’s just that constant staying on top of that internal dialogue and what you’re believing.

Dave Quak: I like your phrase mental stamina. Do you think that’s being cultivated by training? It’s like a muscle you’ve had to learn to train.

Dom: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sara: I sort of see it in the same way with any spiritual struggle. It’s no different. You’re going to have the times where it is really hard and you’re going to feel isolated. I’ve got to watch myself with the train of thought of, “I did all this in my 20s, so now I don’t get this in my 30s.”

Dom: It’s a reward system. You feel a bit like, “Well, why are you getting that? Do I not deserve it?” And it can feel that way.

Sara: You’ve got to remind yourself, as with anything in that spiritual realm, there’s this huge mystery around it. I compare it to people who pray for healing and may not get it. No one can tell you really why. And it’s a similar thing: “Okay, you’re not married. Why?” But there’s not necessarily a black and white answer for it.

Dave Quak: I love that you’re saying that. Because a lot of people will be like, “Okay, this is punishment for your unruly lifestyle in your 20s.” It’s not.

Sara: No. Nothing that God says is like that. If that was your thinking, then everything else that follows with how you think God works is wrong.

Dave Quak: Yes. That’s such a good pick-up. And so you’ve got to speak grace over your situation that even though it’s not what you would ideally want, you’re still walking in grace. You’re still not afflicted by Jesus or anything.

Moving Forward: Trust and Community

Dave Quak: Moving forward, there’s only really two options: someone comes along, or they don’t. What are you going to do, both in your life, faith, and mental wellbeing, in either of those scenarios?

Dom: I got to the point where I was like, “I’ve actually got to consider that there may be something different in store for me, and that’s okay.” I want to be mentally prepared for either one. The pendulum can swing either way: you can live where you’re waiting and become really bitter, or you can go to the other extreme and be overly independent. Either way, you become a bit cynical and twisted. But if you’re just open to whatever God’s got in store, it could be this, it could be that. It requires a lot of trust.

Dave Quak: Was there a defining moment in your 20s when you got to that resolution?

Dom: I always wanted to go traveling. I got to the point where I was like, “What am I waiting for? Why don’t I just go?” And so I did. I travelled around Europe for five months on my own. And you just become a bit more comfortable in your own company, and you’ve got this opportunity to have a really awesome relationship with God.

Sara: The hardest thing is balancing that don’t-lose-heart, keeping that flesh hot, and that open mind, but also knowing that it’s God. So, really, I can’t lose either way. You have to come to terms with the fact that it’s not what you expected, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to be any less amazing or have fruitfulness to it.

Dave Quak: It’s one of those things, isn’t it? Like any relationship has a risk of being an idol. You both aren't trying to do it in your own strength, like with Abraham and Sarah. That’s one thing that comes to bite people in relationships: when we try to force something that’s not there.

Dom: That’s why I think the church can really shield some of those spaces. It’s meant to be this place of community that’s got multi-generations. When the church is healthy and functioning well, it can really be a place of refuge for not only single people, but married or widows. It’s meant to be that place for everyone.

Dave Quak: Words of encouragement for anyone who is just feeling a little bit sick of being single. If you could just take them for a coffee and just speak from your experience in your heart, what would be just a few pieces that you would a few pieces of revelation or information you could drop on them?

Dom: I think a big one for me is rather than focusing...

Hope, Purpose, and Mental Wellbeing

Dom: ...rather than focusing on the lack of something, focus on the hope and the abundance of what you do have. This isn't just fluffy talk; it’s essential for your mental wellbeing. When you're constantly looking at what’s missing, that fuels frustration and bitterness, which is poison to your faith. Instead, look at the Kingdom opportunities and capacity you have right now. Use the gift of your available time, like the Apostle Paul suggested, to invest heavily in your relationship with Jesus and others. This active purpose is the best defence against the isolation that often accompanies the single season, and it's key to developing mental stamina.

Sara: I would tell them to remember what Dave said about grace. Don't fall for the lie that singleness is a punishment for past mistakes or a sign of a spiritual deficit. That's a toxic way of viewing Christian faith and completely incorrect theology. God's grace is sufficient for you right now, in your singleness, just as it would be in marriage. Focus on being a healthy, whole, and devoted Christian, because that's what makes you an attractive and capable person for a partner—or for God’s purposes—down the track. Don’t settle for the easy compromise just to avoid the perceived awkwardness of being single; your biblical mental wellbeing is worth protecting.

Dave Quak: That is incredible advice. To summarise: the path to having a fulfilling faith and mental health journey when single is to reject the lie of punishment, focus on the hope that's already here, develop mental stamina by keeping your eyes on Jesus, and actively participate in your community. That’s how we ensure mental illness and faith are not incompatible. Thank you both, Dom and Sara, for this raw and honest conversation on Sunburnt Souls.